horrible handjob dream VS the guy i like
Last night, I had a dream that I don't think I really have a good word to describe. My mind for some reason decided that I needed to have a weirdly vivid dream about meeting some random, faceless and blurry guy and trying to give him a handjob in his car. It was very oddly vivid though like i could feel everything. “It” felt like my forearm. Quite weird. I really hope I wasn't doing something to my forearm outside of the dream. I think I would kill myself.
Anyway, apparently he wasnt feeling in the mood for it so halfway through he told me to stop and to wait til tomorrow and then maybe he would be into it. I woke up right after that feeling a bit sad.
I laid there in my bed, thought about it for a little bit, and then my mind wandered to the guy I have a crush on. If things worked out would he also do something like that? I dont know. It was weird.
Im still a virgin at the age of 18 and I honestly don’t care about it too much. My favorite show is lego ninjago for christ’s sake. The only time this is an issue is when im trying to write stupid fanfiction porn and don’t know what any of it feels like. I just hope I get a boyfriend at some point and I hope it’s the guy I like (cause I honestly can’t imagine any other person…).
I feel so bad whenever I have weird hormonal thoughts about this guy though. The worst part is that I have no clue if he has the same thoughts about me or not. If he doesn’t that makes this whole thing superrrr weird. Like, much weirder than it already is. Mega weird.
I can’t imagine him having thoughts about me like I do about him. I think I see him as an idealized version of him though. Sure, I know his problems very well, but also I tend to ignore the obvious like no shit he knows the stuff an average adult knows.
I honestly just wish I had dealt with this stupid hormonal puberty thing when I was younger. Im only just now dealing with it at the age of 18 and it gets to me honestly. Whatever.